Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
