Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
