How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
