I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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