i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
