So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
organizing the empties. That sober.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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