I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
