anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
