I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
