Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
