i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
