I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
