and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
