I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Tell her she can't have a vagina
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Randomize
