so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
