but the lizard people decide everything anyway
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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