I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize
