we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
