Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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