Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
