fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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