Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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