I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I lost the right to judge tonight
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
