im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
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