Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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