Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
