So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
