I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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