Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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