is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
