i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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