so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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