we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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