Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
