One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Randomize
