why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Randomize
