i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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