I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
It's just like the Real World with babies
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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