How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
