Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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