my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
