I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
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