It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
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