What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
