Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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