But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Randomize
