I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
