Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
