Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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