I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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