i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
