My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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